I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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