if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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