Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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