this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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