Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
