I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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