Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
