I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
