i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
