anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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