Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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