Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
