Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
