the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
