I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
