My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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