the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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