Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
