Yo dont text me then not text me
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
