I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I need water and some morals
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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