I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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