Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
