I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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