Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
this is an emotional support booty call
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
