I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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