Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
