Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
