It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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