Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
