Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
