suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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