I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
