Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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