my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
