I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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