I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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