He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
