You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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