i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
