Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
