Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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