Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
