dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
