I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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