come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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