He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
