How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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