I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
