Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
