I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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