hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
