just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
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