Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
