i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
