I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
