And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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